Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them. >> Antoine de Saint Exupery (Le Petit Prince)

Sometimes it seems like Jamie is smarter then me - or smarter then his age, anyway. I'm sure every father would say that about there son but I mean it about Jamie. He's smarter then a lot of other kids. He knows something's wrong with Haley and me. He knows we're not OK. He also can kick my ass in Guitar Hero and Rock Band what four year old can do that?

That's right.

James Lucas Scott can do that.

He can even beat the majority of Tree Hill in Rock Band. He'll probably become a great basketball player one day. OK, so, he'll be a great something, someday. Whatever he wants to be. I'll be behind him 100 and 10%.

He's my Jimmy-Jam and he's amazing. I dare you to measure your kid up to him.

I've been told - no, I know I have a problem with anger. I used to be quick to punch without thinking about the consequences and that cost me my future. No, that cost me a brighter future. No, again. That cost me a different future. Without the Seattle Sonics I still had Haley and Jamie.

But I have been holding myself back. I didn't punch that punk, Jason who Peyton tried to sign. Quentin did that for me. I don't know what I think about that but this topic's about "mad," right?

You want to talk about mad? I'm pretty sure my father kidnapped my son during Lucas' wedding. After the ceremony - or, after it was called off Haley couldn't find Jamie. She blamed me - if only for a minute before I ran in front of a cop car and demanded they do something about Jamie.

Haley was scared, worried, and breaking inside. I could tell. But me? I was mad. I was angry. I thought we had gotten rid of Dan. But Lucas was angry at me too, when he found out I had visited Dan in jail. Maybe my visiting Dan got him out, maybe not. During that time without Jamie I was mad at everyone including myself. Whenever Haley and I fought near Jamie we always said we weren't mad, we were just having a grown-up discussion.

Haley was mad at me. Haley is mad at me and I'm trying my best to make it up to her but at a certain point I can't try anymore. At certain point I just...get mad. I'm supposed to be working on that. Getting mad. Haven't punched anyone lately.

That's something, right?

What should I go with? I'm not an addict? Or, I did not kill my brother? Or that he had my best intentions at heart. No, I think I'm sorry just about covers both of them. I love my mom, don't get me wrong, but there was a time in my life where she chose pills over her son - in the middle of his English class. It's hard to get over something like that and she's a great grandmother and yeah, then there's Dan.

Dan. My dad. The murderer. He's in jail. He belongs in jail. Did you know Haley and I told Jamie his grandfather died? We had to tell him the truth after Skills let slip where he really was.

Yeah, Dan lied about a lot. My mom lied about a lot as well. My parents are just liars. Big fat...liars. Murderer, drug addict, tyrant, bitch - all of the above. It sucks to some extent but in other ways it helps me as a parent.

I'm never going to push Jamie into doing something he wouldn't want to do - and if he likes it I won't pressure him about it. And I won't turn to pills if my life...OK, I turned to alcohol - for a few months but that was before. This is now.

And now? I'm not my mother and I am definitely not my father.

Character: Nathan Scott
Fandom: One Tree Hill
Word Count: 233

Is it just me or does everything taste better after midnight? I'm eating this ham sandwich and it tastes - really good. And the team didn't do so hot tonight and Carrie kissed me a few nights ago.

OK, let's get one thing straight. Carrie kissed me. I didn't kiss her. I do not feel guilty for kissing Carrie - I feel guilty for not telling Haley. And me feeling guilty has turned into a late night sandwich in the kitchen. It isn't about the fact that Carrie kissed me - it's the fact that I didn't push her away. I have a wife. I love Haley. And I love Jimmy-Jam and I don't want my family to be torn apart again.

I tried telling Haley but Carrie interrupted and told us she had to give her two weeks notice. So, she's as good as gone. Earlier tonight, that was enough for me. But after talking to Luke - who's a dick, by the way, along with his half-brother, I realized I have to tell Hales. She'll understand and after this past Summer I think we can get through anything.

Carrie will not get her sleazy hands on me anymore. She's gone. Soon everything will be back to normal. Well, except for Quentin. He's done a complete turnaround - and that's a good thing. Yeah, I know, off topic but it's late - give me a break!

Seduction. Have you ever been seduced or have you ever seduced anyone?

You're actually asking me this question? Back when I was with Peyton there were times I wasn't faithful - honestly, we were almost always broken up when I slept with whatever drunk girl I good find - almost. Being Nathan Scott made it easy.

Yeah, there were times when I lured an unsuspecting drunk - and sometimes even not - girl up to my bedroom or whatever bedroom could find.

Thankfully, I'm married now and I love my wife and son more than anyone else in the world.

Unfortunately, what happens in the past doesn't always stay in the past. After only being married to Haley for a couple of months, Taylor, her sister, decided to pay us a visit and she basically blackmailed me into staying for a couple of weeks. She had threatened to tell Haley about our one night stand. It turned out I had lost my virginity to Taylor, back in freshman year. My wife's sister seduced my virginity out of me. Haley found out - like she always does.

And, being Nathan Scott meant I had more than one past hook-up to worry about.

A year later the entire senior class watched the beginning of a tape Brooke and I had...made. It wasn't my proudest moment and I had done my best to block it out completely. But secrets in Tree Hill have a way of coming back to bite every one of us in the ass.

With Brooke, we kind of seduced each other. We were equally drunk and equally horny and things just escalated. Before I knew It I had set my video camera on record and promised her nobody would find out.

Everyone did. The night before Prom. I had a lot of stops to make on the Nathan Scott Apology Tour the next day. Haley was pregnant and hormonal and she wanted me to give her a list of every girl I had ever slept with (and who I had ever seduce/had seduced me).

Husbands, I'm not usually the guy to come to for any kind of advice, especially lately, but if there's one thing I can pass down it's this: do not under any circumstances write that list! It will only hurt her even more and cause more damage. Instead, find a way to remind you're wife that she's the one for you - and maybe you'll be okay. Haley ended up forgiving me.

Nowadays, I have my wife and my son - and we're older now - and I had a dark streak there for a while but I'm working real hard at getting my marriage back on track and because I don't want to be sleeping (and drinking) on the couch anytime soon I'll keep my latest attempts at seducing my wife to myself.

Character: Nathan Scott
One Tree Hill
Word Count: 479

The name's Nathan Scott and I recently realized I have everything to lose. After losing my spot with the Seattle Sonics I felt like my life was over. I was wheel-chair bound and up drinking half the night staring into our pool. I even told my wife that I had nothing. If there was one thing I said that I regret now it was that I have nothing.

Because that's not true.

I have an amazing wife, Haley James Scott. She's a teacher at Tree Hill High and she's my life, my inspiration, and my one true love. We have a son together, James Lucas Scott. He's going to be a great basketball player one day. And if he's not, that's okay too. His middle name comes from my half-brother Lucas. Lucas Scott. We have the same father and you can bet we both wish we didn't have him as a father.

Dan Scott, murderer. He murdered my Uncle Keith and threatened my mom for years, almost driving her to suicide. I sent him a picture of Jamie - because nobody deserves to not be acknowledged. He exists and I can't change that.

I would do anything for my family and friends. My friend, Brooke, runs her own fashion...thing. And Lucas wrote a book. My ex, Peyton, recently started her own record label with Brooke's help.

If there's one thing I know now besides the fact I have everything to lose, it's...we're all going places. Somewhere anyway. And we all have everything to lose. Every last one of us.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. >> Joan Rivers

If Nathan Scott would have been given a subtitle in high school it would have been manwhore. At least, up until Junior year. In the span of two years he slept with more girls then he could count at parties, not including his very on and off girlfriend, Peyton.

In the process of sleeping with the entire female population of Tree Hill, he lost his virginity to his current wife's older sister, and slept with his ex Peyton's best friend, Brooke.

If only he had to recount those two encounters. He wouldn't actually go through them or explain them but list them...and in this moment he wished that not only had he not had to make a list but that he hadn't slept with so many girls.

Make a list. How exactly was he supposed to make a list? He didn't want to. Every bone in his body told him not to and in trying to give it to her it sent her into a worse, confusing spiral of words.

So, he compromised. He made two lists. One list, with every girl he had ever even kissed on it dating back to elementary school when Cindy Worth thanked him for finding her pink bow on the playground. The other, with Haley's name. This list was what mattered. Haley was the only girl he had ever loved. Would ever love, even.

And that was never going to change. He was going to prom with his wife - and he wouldn't have it any other way.

"There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it."
E.M.Forster, A Room With A View.

Haley doesn't get it. She thinks I don't know how much I'm going to lose if I continue being the way I've been. But I do. I see her face in the morning when she leaves with Jamie. She's concerned and disappointed. And last night she got angry. I care. I care so much it hurts. But I'm stubborn. She's always known that about me. It was something she got with me in our marriage. My stubborn angry jealous streak. Well, I got over the jealousy.

I was brought up by stubborn and angry. I wish she knew how much it hurts when she uses his name, when she calls me by my father's name.

Dan

I am a lot of things but I am not Dan Scott. Hell will freeze over before I become Dan Scott. That's what woke me up.

Dan

They were already asleep in their beds and I didn't want to wake them, so I slipped out the back doors quietly. I rolled up to the edge of the pool like I had other nights but something was different.

Dan

I backed up towards the house and then charged full force into the water.

Dan

I left the chair floating at the top before falling to the bottom of the pool.

Using one foot I stood myself up and emerged, fists in the air, from the water. I took one leg at a time and walked in the water. It was difficult but who was I to ever back down. The same thing ran through my mind as I made my way through the water. It had been my fault. I had lost my cool. I was the one who was tackled through a glass window. I threw my dreams away. That's what kept me going.

After returning my wheel chair to land and drying off I woke up Jamie. I was done feeling sorry for myself and being afraid. Walking in the water hadn't been enough. I told him to grab his cape. We took the soap box and I led him to where they had the race that afternoon. He hadn't done it. He chickened out. And whether that had been my fault or not I was going to make sure that wouldn't happen again.

I was done creating my own personal hell - and this was the first step.

Muse: Nathan Scott
Fandom: One Tree Hill
Word Count: 396

Religion

Religion has never been a priority for me. I had basketball, I had Peyton, I had Lucas, I had Haley, I had my future, I had my family. But religion? Never really up there.

My family isn't very religious. My mother is a recovering pill popper and my father is a murderer. I don't remember ever going to church. Ever. I don't remember Jesus being my personal lord and saviour. I never had any need for religion. Neither did my mom.

When my dad had a heart attack though I found my mom in the hospital chapel. Later I found out she had been praying for my dad to die so, that's another story. Anyway, I don't think any of us are very religious at all. We've never gone to church. Haley and I never even got married in a church. We took that stupid compatibility test but even then we knew a test couldn't prove (or disprove) our love.

I hope when James grows up he'll find some form of religion or at least something to believe in. I never really did until I married Haley. I believe in her.

Do I believe in God, the Devil, heaven even? No. I don't.

I'm just not religious.

Tell me a secret

I don't know how much of a secret this is but I didn't talk about it with anyone but Lucas. I have not for one second regretted my choice to not visit my dad in jail. I don't know if that makes me inhumane or a bad son but my father killed my uncle so I feel entitled to my decision. He terrorized my mom which almost drove her to commit suicide. He lied to everyone he ever claimed to care about and I just can't forgive that. I don't think I'll ever be able to.

Maybe this isn't a secret. Maybe it should be common sense. But Lucas wanted to go to him. Originally. The night of Rachel's party we planned to go see him and even after a few beers I still couldn't work myself up to do it. And then Lucas admitted that he didn't ever want to visit Dan. He had no need to. It was all in the past. Dan was basically as good as dead to him. I'm putting words in his mouth but I'm guessing that's what he was thinking. After all nobody believed him, I didn't even believe him and then my dad goes and does something stupid like confessing. Not to say that it isn't good that he confessed so he can rot in jail but he was supposed to be a mastermind. He worked hard at ruining out lives and then he does something anticlimactic and confesses.

I don't know if I'll ever see him again. I don't know if I'll ever want to. Truth be told, I hope I won't. If I never stand face to face with my dad again I think I'll be okay. Maybe that makes me bitter, maybe it makes me heartless. Here's a secret: I will never hate my father. But I will never trust him again.

Happy father's day, Murderer.

You've just won an award! What would it be and why?

An award? Nathan Scott and award don't really go together in the same sentence anymore. A couple of weeks ago I would have said, a scholarship to Duke to play for the Blue Devils and become some basketball star. And then I admitted to point shaving and that award was pulled out from under me. A couple of days ago I would have said best new worker at a factory where Skills' father works. But, that...went away too. Now, though I know what award I'm getting.

Best father in Tree Hill. I don't have a lot of competition in the first place. There's my father and he's now in jail and then there's Keith who isn't here anymore but I'm sure he would have won the award anyway. I guess the main point is right now I'd like to think that I'd win best father. Or #1 father. Anything that advertises the fact that I kick ass at being a father. At that party, that juniors are going to be seniors party I secretly called my mom...a lot. It was our first time away from James and I just missed the little guy and worried about him. I called six times allegedly before Haley and I went to go check up on him at the house. Turns out my mom had unplugged the phone because we had been bothering them. We had been bothering them. Haley and I had both called. Not just me. And she called me an obsessive parent except she had called eight times compared to my six. Anyway, the point is I love James so much.

A year ago I didn't think I could love anything or anyone besides Haley as much as I do. And I know I would do anything, anything for James. So, if I had just won an award, it would be because I'm a good parent, a good father, and maybe a good brother. Yeah, good father & brother. That's the award.

I'd thank Hales, of course, and Lucas, and just, everyone in Tree Hill. Because they've all contributed to my being a great dad. A special nod would go to Karen Roe, Lucas' mom just because of her advice over the years and the fact that she survived a hospital stay, well, she survived her health thing, the hospital wasn't the thing that almost killed her. And now I feel insensitive. Anyway, back to that point I'm far away from.

Best father and brother in Tree Hill. Maybe just best father. I mean I'm a good brother but I'm a damn good father!

At least, I'd like to think so.

Okay, so I'm not the kinda guy who'd call my mom...mommy. It's always been mom. For the first 16 years of my life my mom spent most of my child hood away on business helping the Earth and the environment, leaving me alone with my basketball tyrant of a dad. Well, back then I would never have admitted to that. I would have told people my dad was really riding me hard over games but I'd never say he was going too far because hey, he had my best interests at heart.

Well, eventually I learned that he hadn't. It was all about him.

It took my mom's return to Tree Hill to see this. She came back in the beginning of my junior year and our relationship was pretty strained. But she was divorcing dad and that was for the best. I was busy with Haley and then dad had a heart attack and he never signed the divorce papers.

Mom hated Haley when we told her we had gotten married. Dad was in the hospital and she was in the chapel. It took her a few months before she softened and Haley had already gone, from me, from Tree Hill, and she had handed me money to find her. Not long after I ... had gotten into a car crash and my mom went into rehab. When she returned she vowed to me we would get out. Get out from under my dad, just get out for good. I believed her and I trusted her. Except, dad pulled her back in with his campaign for mayor. Yeah, my dad's the mayor of Tree Hill. A lot of sons would be ecstatic and proud but me, I'm just sickened. He held mom there, like his trophy before the town, the picture of a perfect family and when he won the election he left town.

She returned a couple months later. Haley and I were renewing our vows. Dan, my dad, made her life hell when she came back. And she almost committed suicide. But, it was an attempt and she survived. To say I'm worried about my mom is an understatement. Cause, she's the only mom I've got. Except, she's getting better. And she accepts Haley and I and she even drove Haley and me to our prom which under normal circumstances would be embarrassing but ... I was proud to be driven by my mom.

I don't tell her this. But I think she'll make a great grandma when our son is born. I just do. And one day, she'll get out. For real. And I'll know she's really safe. But for now. She's my mom. And I'm going to protect her and my family.

I love her.

Happy Mother's Day mom.